Oh me, oh my twelve days left till I hit the half a year mark. It does NOT seem like it has been that long!
"Do you feel any different?" - more and more this question has been posed to me. I am not sure how to answer. Sure I have more energy, but I wasn't always an overweight slob. And even at my worst, I like to think that I did more than an average couch potato! So I guess it is a double edged sword - I have more energy than I did 6 months ago but over all I don't feel a drastic change. I think it is mostly in my head. I am proud of what I have done and therefore it shows in my demeanor.
Let's discuss my head :-D I have written how vacation was a different thing - no aching feet and a craving for activity. What I didn't write was my comfort. I have NEVER been comfortable in my skin. I have always been one of the most self conscious people you could have ever met. Please do not confuse my out-going nature with self esteem. You do NOT need to have self esteem to be loud, and if you know me - or just see me out and about - you will notice that most of my bluster is designed to take attention AWAY from my person. I wear my clothes two sizes to big and though I make a lot of noise I try not to stay still while doing it so I can't be observed. If I ever do stay still I try my hardest to blend in. I have NEVER felt comfortable swimming in public and would even go so far as avoid it even though it is one of my most favorite activities. (Do not even get me started on Seekonk's mandatory 2 weeks of swim in every grade - I dreaded those two weeks out of the year like nothing else from first grade straight through senior year!) I am telling you all of this so you will be able to grasp the slight alterations I have made in my head. Prior vacations consisted of me swimming only as night when the pools were empty. I would basically wear my bathing suit cover up into the pool and then toss it onto my chair. Upon leaving the pool I would convince Brian to grab my towel and meet me at the ladder or stairs so i could wrap myself up immediately. I would then bee-line for the room. Don't judge me - I might know how to put on a front, but every has their own demons. This vacation was different. I felt a sense of comfort in my own skin. I willingly went swimming IN THE DAYLIGHT IN PUBLIC! I didn't ask Brian to hold my towel and I even pool hopped. Maybe I am getting older and don't care, or maybe the pride is slowly chipping away at my self doubt. Whatever it is I am happy. I am comfortable - what a feeling. I guess, in that sense I do feel different.
I have said it before: if I could only go back to my junior high/high school self and tell me to embrace those hated curves - maybe those two weeks out of the year would have gone better.
I should also point out that I put the weight ON so I darn well better be able to take it OFF! What Brian and I are doing isn't "luck", it is work. It might not seem like hard work, and there definitely days that I wouldn't call it hard, but that doesn't mean we aren't trying. We are determined and it is showing.
I would also like to point out that my family (Brian especially) are SUPER SUPPORTIVE. No need of recriminations for my demons. It is no one's fault but my own that I have/had low self esteem. My own mind created the barriers and my own mind needs to be the one to tear them down. I am working on it. This blog actually is a big step for me - so thank you as well. Goodness knows 6 months ago I NEVER would have put pictures of myself in a blog!
And now for the numbers: 170 days with 56.7 pounds down. That is about 0.33 pounds per day, 2.34 pounds per week, and 10.02 pounds per month. The numbers kind of depress me so I am not going to look at them too much - I would love for them to be higher. I am hoping to hit 60 pounds by the half year mark!!
I have been told the same thing! The worst is "you are great and beautiful, I don't understand why you feel that way"... that is the thing they DON'T get why I felt that way. And it really isn't anything anyone else can fix.
ReplyDeleteI am a swimmer! I was a lifeguard for 6 years at a kid pool - it was for a camp and it worked out well for me cause it allowed me to be in the water all the time and it was with little kids, 3-5 year olds don't judge you as long as you are willing to play water tag with them! People would think I was crazy when I would refuse to go swimming in a public pool seeing, in addition to basically LIVING in my own pool, I was a life guard. It was all in my head I know, but I had a feeling that if I were to go in public in a bathing suit people would talk about me or I would displace the water or who knows what else. I still don't think I am ready to walk around a water park but I am on my way! (I also have to say that having Stinkles really helped me change my perceptions of my "physical" self but that is a whole other thing) It's a good feeling and I wish you luck in yours!
I actually started this part of the blog cause I figured it would help me by being completely open about every thing and maybe help others that feel the same way. I really and firmly believe that no one else can change how you feel about yourself, but it certainly helps to see other people change how they feel about themselves. If I can help just ONE person feel better about themselves then this is all worth it cause I know I certainly needed it when I was younger and I need it now occasionally!